What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 14:29
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Comes on , in middle age.
When she asked me how she looked .
I will be 64.
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We all went to grammer schools
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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I think the readers, may guess!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
What did i know ?
Eum sit ipsam ut animi distinctio rerum omnis praesentium.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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I never cut or harmed myself..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So whats the point in blame.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I have no regrets .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were not on the streets..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is soul school!.
I waited trembling.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot live in the past .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
She married twice! .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My family never makes their pension either.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And i lived it daily.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was seconnd youngest,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She loved him until the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was scared of men, in general
The only rule us 5 kids had .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I don,t even have a pension.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She found it foreign!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He knew the spot.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My life is so biszare .
Who then, do I blame.?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She was in good health!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I said to her
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She wouldn,t have been !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But, we were locked up after school.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Especially a lifetime of it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was 9 years of age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So, i spoilt her more .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Put me off passion for life!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I write beautiful poetry .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ive learnt so much.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Would this be the day?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im still living with it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
All the time i was locked up.
It was going to be , some day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it wasn’t much.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.